new boy

I’m sorry I couldn’t be in love with you anymore

I’m still weighed down by myself

I still feel the need to serve others and to put them before anything

Even if it means to sacrifice you.

Just to pay for my sins.

I just can’t allow myself to be happy. I can’t even commit to it.

I’m not the person you thought I was

And I’m definitely not the person you fantasied that I could’ve been

I wish I could directly tell you the emotions I feel

But I’m scared you wouldn’t know how to respond

Me wanting to be yours, and wanting you to be mine

I promise I do love you, but there’s so many fears that have captured me

I still think of you when I lie awake

Hoping that you won’t find the boy you’ve always dreamed of

Because I’m jealous I couldn’t have been them

However, even when I left, I still feel your presence

Your ghost still haunts me, reciting my failures

And I feel the need to constantly prove myself because of it

I’m scared I’ll resort back to numbing my nerves

I don’t know what the correct way to cope is.