2021
Loa’a
my current mental struggles - to read before I go
your words still haunts me like a ghost a constant reminder of one of my biggest failures
I think I need closure with you.
I don't know if you'll listen or accept, but hopefully understand
the drugs and alcohol have only gotten worse.
the sins committed to numb myself is still written on my body a penance that I have to serve for my recklessness. the smoke I inhale tears the soul out of my skin.
I can't shut it out. it'll creep from under the door.
my nerves rumble whenever I see the other blinded ones.
I'm caught on a rope of wanting to be me or wanting to be someone else, or if I can satisfy who they want me to be.
I don't know why my insecurities decided to bleed on me again. maybe it's because of you.
but the worst suffering is the reflection I have to look at every morning a boy stares back at me. he searches for answers when I ask for him to answer mine. his destiny is written on a scroll, but he can't reach it. he knows, and is driven into madness.
I don't know what I'll do. I'm scared of my future self.
I'm scared if I should serve for myself right now, or for myself in the future.
I'm scared of the actions I'll take,
and how that could change my future and who I want to be.
I just want to be happy.
I feel like I can't speak to anyone. I know I can. but we get together, and we laugh,
but when I reach my hand out, you're never there.
I'm at least more than blessed to be with her right now. she listens, and is loving.
I need to leave.
a place far away, neither a sanctuary or a prison but a fire, built just for me to burn alongside it.
dionysus’ turntable - death is only promised
having an issue with you was never something I would have imagined.
maybe because I promised myself to always be sober when I was child.
but things change. you grow, adapt, and overthrow,
yet sometimes, you can stumble, fall, and lay lifeless on the floor.
you helped me numb the pain of having felt the ground.
but all along it’s really a prison.
truly disguised to keep pulling you into the abyss, further and further,
feeding on your skin until you have nothing else to give.
that’s when you truly die.
you, whom I’ve doused myself of,
the tasting of flames in my tongue
as my body turns to air, with words spoken of falsehood
every time I stare in the mirror, I can see the magma flowing through my face.
and you, whom has been inhaled inside my bare lungs,
choking all the breath from my air until you’re the only substitute
and as I exhale, I see nothing but the smoke
blinding me before I collapse for the last time.
you’re a temptation, and a poison.
something just to numb myself with so I don’t have to worry about my issues.
it also could’ve been the influence of my peers.
me wanting to be them, only so I could lie to myself
and to say I’m no longer a failure in their eyes.
either way, I know I have to rid you.
not only for the sake of my health now, but for myself in the future.
I’ll promise myself to return to sobriety. I need to.
the party
thousands of people around me,
yet I feel the loneliest.
thousands of temptations everywhere,
and I can’t think of all of them as the distractions cloud my brain.
each sound whispers in my ear like a snake,
as it’s disguised like a beauty that shocks each nerve in my body.
flashing lights, chrome blinding my eyes,
all until I can’t see anymore.
my friends are passed out on a couch.
one of them is upstairs. probably fucking a stranger they found.
I’m nauseous, poisoned in the stomach with regret and pain,
surrounded by the reflections of judgment and shame,
barely a word uttered out of my mouth, yet a thousand things are said.
but I still draw myself further even more into all of it.
if the sex, drugs, and alcohol don’t kill me,
I’ll keep going until I kill myself.
why am I at this place?
am I really happy here?
are any of us really happy here?
complications with the mask
To bless yourself is an accidental pleasure.
One that questions your soul and your intentions
And a pathway leading to uncertainty
I hope that road gives me something I haven’t been looking for,
but needed
A robe to put around me for the sake of comfort and content
Everywhere I go, I hear the sound resonate
as it travels upon the ceiling of the night sky
It echoes and reverberates back to me.
Sometimes back to me in a different language
than the one which came from my lips
And to others who take it upon themselves to interpret so
They are quiet about their judgment or acceptance,
And so I continue my path to consider on how they look at me now
Sometimes I feel like I’m on a scale
A subtle panic but very true one
As my soul seems to trade myself for the ghosts around me
As whether my blood belongs to either of them
Who are they to judge? Who are they to question?
A conflict between being what they say and what I want
A conflict between the enjoyment of myself or the functionality I hold
I think I lie to myself too much.
I think I’ve told myself that I’m happy, just to cover the fact that I’m now.
Too many restraints flood my mind that spill over like toxic waste
Only to burn and eat live my body.
a mirror, looking back at me
I found myself to be saying your name too often.
maybe calling, maybe screaming
it echoed throughout the hallways,
reaching out to you like a desperate hand.
I think you were too busy, shaded under palm trees and a vibrant ocean,
holding all you have in your soft hands
gracious for all of it, you kept striving,
moving to the next scene, memory, or wish.
everything that I had lost.
I wish I was you.
I wish I was you, still.
I keep hiding myself behind a mask,
saying everything is alright, that I’m at my best,
and things happened the way it did to make me stronger,
but I know that’s not true.
you’re happier, stronger, better than I could ever be right now.
you’re at your prime, and I’ve fell down in an inescapable abyss.
maybe it was just a question of fate, asked, but unanswered
maybe I deserved to be at my lowest again.
drunken with suffering and regret,
pained with loneliness and despair.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be willing to walk again,
as each step reminds me of all that I have lost.
all that you have right now.
I’m sorry if I failed you the way I failed myself.
a wish of Judah - the third apocalypse
breathe your life into my lungs.
colder than steel, and hotter than lead
a stolen relic I never bothered to question
everything I’ve ever loved,
swung up by your arms, into the heaven’s skies
too much of your judgment lays on my mind.
a quiet but abrasive noise,
as it’ll creep up upon you to rupture your soul
for I must now confront my self assurance,
served on a platter for you.
my questions, my insecurities, my doubt
they all now rush back into my darkened eyes
a violent flame that’s spread throughout each nerve of my body.
but when you bleed, it stains my hands
a scarlet marking that serves as a rotting reminder
your soul releases its own true desires and venom,
undying riddles that could never be answered for millenniums .
your noise isn’t the only that drives me to madness.
hear the timer tick.
it races faster, and uncontrollable speed beyond eternal question
it will strike your heart and pass through,
onward to its next victim of the next hour.
I have felt it capture mine as moments past
As the mirror reflects all the horror scarred upon my face.
now, an army of pathways surround you,
yet blocked by gates at their entrances
touch the fence, and it’ll prick you.
that’s how each thorn has taken all of my flesh.
because I hope you’re happy - long overdue closure
I don’t know if I miss you or not.
maybe that should be a question left unanswered.
sometimes it feels like you’re a ghost
a thousand memories of us cloud my mind every so often,
and sometimes the emotions
I tried to push them away to convince myself I’ve moved on.
I saw you still have me blocked on everything.
my mind constantly makes up excuses or possible reasons why
whatever it is, I hope it was for the best of you, and not in spite of me
my mind constantly doubts itself, and puts different pieces together
too much fear of that I failed what we had
maybe it was just the situation, or maybe you realized I wasn’t the one for you
but I need to move past and know that it doesn’t matter anymore.
I finally understood what you meant when we said everything was too fast.
I think I never understood what it was like to love until and after I had you
both a blessing and a wound given.
I hope I did right by you. you deserved so, and I’ll always believe that.
I know neither of us are thinking of that orchestra we’ll slow dance to on the beach,
or a small cottage in the woods that we’ll see our kid grow at,
or even being able to tell each other “I love you” over the phone.
instead, a cross road of two different paths
something that now seems unpredictable, maybe a little less so for you,
but worthy of saying goodbye to each other for.
I still wish the best for you.
you deserve so. I’ll always believe it.
you don’t have to do the same for me, truly.
goodbye, for one last time.
thank you for everything, .
advice to be happy - from a.
-don’t pity yourself. good vibes only.
-parties can suck.
-don’t do drugs and alcohol. it’ll fuck you up.
-sex is more than fucking.
-commitment is scary, but it’s important for a genuine connection of love.
-you are never alone. if you are, surround yourself with people.
-people come and go. she (or whoever your lover is) will come and go.
be thankful for what you two had, but don’t linger on it forever.
-people are here because of who you have made yourself to be.
if they aren’t, then they don’t matter.
-change is good, but only use it to better yourself.
-your future important, but the present is always the priority in terms of your well-being.
-love yourself. be honest with yourself to do so.
most importantly,
-you can leave, but don’t forget to come back.